in my head.

standing in the bathroom at 2 am whispering the same damn words over and over again because thats all you know. praying every night to a god you dont even know exists to just take away the pain. crying in the shower while everyone else is sleeping because you cant bring yourself to see the pain and disappointment in everyones eyes because you relapsed or you couldnt stay strong any longer. texting friends that you havent talked to in forever because you feel like your head is going to explode if you keep all these thoughts in your head any longer and praying that someone sees your tears. that someone hears your cries. that someone anyone would just hold you and never let go. and not like a painful hold not the ones where youre screaming "let me go, let me go" over and over again but the ones where they stroke your hair and kiss your head while you silently sob into their chest. 

staring into the bathroom mirror and watching your tears fall down while you debate if its really worth it. THIS is pain. 

waking up every morning and taking your meds. putting your hair into a messy bun because you want to be comfortable instead of "cute". putting on your leggings and favorite sweatshirt and going and getting coffee so you can make it through the day. putting in your headphones and catching up on homework or attending the lectures you havent been to in what feels like forever. THAT is strength. 

this is what it feels like to live inside my head. every single day. 

so please. i am begging you. do not come up to me and say "you have nothing to be sad about" or "it will get better" or even "its all in your head" because i am well aware.