its been 24 hours since i found out the news. 48 since it happened. this feels like a bad dream but no one can wake up from it. when did a nightmare become reality? when will this nightmare end
i packed up my bags for the last time before moving again. i was excited to come home, i was excited to see everyone again after what felt like ages, but when i moved everything changed. its not that that excitement wasnt there because it was, it was just different. something didnt belong. me. i didnt belong anymore. the place i called home for 19 years was no longer home. i didnt have a home. everything changed. i moved away, i changed. suddenly i didnt belong. i didnt belong home but i didnt belong at my dorm either. i was alone. even though i was surrounded by hundreds of people i felt alone. i wanted to quit. i wanted to quit life, my job, leave everyone and everything behind. but i didnt. i kept going. i felt alone but i pushed through. my home doesnt feel like home to me and it may never feel like home but im here. im giving life my all. im here.
A, 1. i wish you lived closer 2. i wish i could be "normal" and not deal with depression everyday 3. somedays i don't want to get out of bed because i feel like crying 4. i read your blog daily 5. i don't like school 6. i would rather stay home and read then go anywhere 7. i hear songs and think of you and cry...a lot 8. let's just put it this way, i cry....way too much. 9. i feel like i've let you down again 10. i feel like i need to apologize for every little thing i do 11. i'm scared 12. i went off my meds because they made me sick 13. i can't talk about myself because i feel stupid and like im boring everyone 14. i've mastered the "fake happiness" from my meds 15. i wish he would forget about you 16. i still go for walks, just to be alone 17. i hate my short hair 18. i want to get a tattoo 19. i've always been jealous of you 20. i wish that boys would look at me like they look at you 21. i wish i had more frie...
when i was in high school, i did not feel like i belonged. i was suicidal, i struggled with depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. i was sure that i would end it all. i never thought that id make it to college. never thought that i would graduate high school. here i am, writing at 12:48 am about my past and im filled with gratitude and tears. i graduated high school but not only that i beat my eating disorder, i got help for my anxiety and depression, and i even got a tattoo to remind me where ive been. it gets better. it truly does. ask for help, talk to someone. even if its just a friend. thats how it can start. it truly does get better. i know it may not feel like it now but it does and one day you will look back on your life and be grateful you kept living. i see you. im here. i hear you. i love you. you are worth it. you are beautiful.
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