Wanderlust

 family is not always blood. blood is not always family. family is not always safe. sometimes your chosen family and found family is safer than your blood family. realizing you were no longer safe for me was one of the hardest pills I ever had to fucking swallow. family is not always blood and you are no longer my family. 

 i want to shave my head so no one can ever grab it again so that no one can ever touch me like that again. i keep telling myself that it was never my fault and that i did everything i could that night. that i trusted my gut. listened to my body. but it feels fake. i just want the nightmares to stop. the flashbacks to stop. the feeling of his body against me pinning my hands down and grabbing my hair to stop. i want to scrub my skin until i no longer feel him on my skin. why is my brain tormenting me with these memories? why is my brain replaying this scene over and over again? its like a train wreck i know is coming but i cant stop it or look away. i want to shave my head but today we just pin it up.

how am i supposed to fully trust myself if i dont know what that looks like? ive been told it takes time and its almost like learning how to walk or breathe all over again but ive never been told how long that takes. some say weeks others say years some even say hours. all i know is i stay busy in hopes that my mind will let me forget my past

i got so used to no one wanting me that i decided i didnt want me either until you came along and helped put my broken pieces back together just to smash them into a million tiny pieces that i was left picking up by myself. you didnt want me either so im learning to want myself again.  

 its been 24 hours since i found out the news. 48 since it happened. this feels like a bad dream but no one can wake up from it. when did a nightmare become reality? when will this nightmare end

 this year has been a shit show. there. i said it. i try to stay positive and find the good in things but this year it doesnt seem like there is any. i threw myself into work and school to try and keep my mind off the impending doom it seems is going on outside my window and it is starting to take its toll. instead of watching the leaves change, having bonfires and laughing, i am laying in my bed doing homework or just waiting for the night to come so i can sleep. i have thought about going back to therapy but what would my therapist say? that everyone feels this way? that its normal to feel these feelings? or would they just increase my medication, throwing more and more at me hoping it would just fix it. throughout it all, people have been getting more and more mean. more and more angry with me for asking questions or doing my job. when does it all end? when is the impending doom going to disappear? even though it has been a shit show here, i am getting up everyday, walking outside a

you told me to be myself so i was. then you told me i was too much so i stopped being myself to keep you around. you didnt like that and told me i was too fake for doing that. so i started showing my true colors a little bit at a time and you told me i needed too much attention. so i stopped. i stopped messaging you. i stopped caring. i stopped. because i cant put up with the whiplash all the back and forth you do gives me.