the truth.

this post is a little different than my others. its not poetry, instead its an answer. this is the truth.

the other day, i had a friend ask how i love myself. this question came as a shock to me because i have hated myself for years. i struggle everyday with loving myself. im now 20. so to all of you who think i have my life together, think i have an amazing life, etc. this is for you. 

lets address the first question: how do i love myself?
i spent years, (too many to count to be exact) hating every part of my body. i self harmed, i had an eating disorder, i was suicidal and i hated every inch of my body. i hated the way my hair looked, i hated my eyes, i hated my smile, i hated my freckles, i hated it. every inch. i spent years trying to change what i looked like and finally came to the realization that i had an issue and needed help. i contacted hotlines at 3 am because i was terrified and felt alone. even though i had amazing friends (and still do) i felt lonely. i was tired of fighting and frankly didnt see a point anymore. when i went through counseling and got put on medication, i was terrified. i didnt know what people would think of me, i didnt feel loved, i didnt feel wanted. i self harmed while going through counseling sometimes because i still hated my body. i am now 20 and some days i still hate my body. in no ways am i perfect. in fact, i am far from that. some days are better than others, but i am still here. thats the important thing. i still fight.

i have an amazing life dont get me wrong. but it has taken a long time to get to where i am now. i take medication every morning to be able to function. i have depression and anxiety. i struggle everyday. everyday. but i still fight. some days are better than others and when i get sick physically my mental health tanks as well because i dont see a point in taking care of myself anymore. my life may be amazing but that doesnt mean i dont struggle every single day.

i have a great support system, amazing friends and a great life but i am far from perfect. i struggle every day. it takes time. keep fighting. 

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