not a statistic
Warning: This post may be extremely hard for some to read. It does cover sexual assault. please read at your own risk.
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i always told myself i would never allow myself to become a part of the statistic. i would wait until marriage to be with someone in that way. if i decided to not wait until marriage, i would make sure i was safe and it was with someone i trusted. i thought i knew all the warning signs, the red flags. i thought i would see them almost immediately because its supposed to be so simple. so cut and dry.
when it first happened, i just thought that was what love is supposed to be like. i trusted them so it couldnt be anything more than miscommunication right? i didnt realize until years later that was not what love is. i told myself i would never let it happen again. i would never put my walls down that far. i stayed silent.
it started out as him showing me how to create bowls and cups in ceramics class, then it turned into him flirting. i thought he liked me. i trusted him. i invited him over to my place because i thought he was into me. i trusted him. he left me with bruises and nightmares for weeks. i closed myself off as much as possible. i let it happen again and i blamed myself. i closed myself off. i kept silent.
i met him at work. we made dumb jokes. i made a dumb decision and trusted him. i let my walls down and let him in. i invited him over. i remember bits and pieces of that night but not all of it. its funny how the mind works when trauma happens. my pleas for stop and no were ignored. i shut down. i prayed to god it would end quickly and that i had enough strength to get him off when my pleas were ignored for the 4th time. 4 times. i trusted him. he was a coworker. once it was over and he left, i remember feeling so dirty. i remember scrubbing my skin until it felt like it was going to bleed, i remember washing the sheets and my bed with bleach. i remember airing out my room and sobbing that i let it happen again. i didnt know what it really was until i texted my sister. she stood by me and held my hand while i told my mom what happened. she stood by me as i repeated my story to nurses, advocates, officers, etc. she stood by me as i got the kit done and made sure i had eaten after everything was said and done. i was left with nightmares and extreme anxiety. i couldnt stay silent anymore. i was exhausted. i saw him every single day for the next 2 weeks.
it has now been 4 months. this is the first time i have written out my story in my terms completely. i still have nightmares occasionally. i am no longer staying silent. this is my story.
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.
.
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i always told myself i would never allow myself to become a part of the statistic. i would wait until marriage to be with someone in that way. if i decided to not wait until marriage, i would make sure i was safe and it was with someone i trusted. i thought i knew all the warning signs, the red flags. i thought i would see them almost immediately because its supposed to be so simple. so cut and dry.
when it first happened, i just thought that was what love is supposed to be like. i trusted them so it couldnt be anything more than miscommunication right? i didnt realize until years later that was not what love is. i told myself i would never let it happen again. i would never put my walls down that far. i stayed silent.
it started out as him showing me how to create bowls and cups in ceramics class, then it turned into him flirting. i thought he liked me. i trusted him. i invited him over to my place because i thought he was into me. i trusted him. he left me with bruises and nightmares for weeks. i closed myself off as much as possible. i let it happen again and i blamed myself. i closed myself off. i kept silent.
i met him at work. we made dumb jokes. i made a dumb decision and trusted him. i let my walls down and let him in. i invited him over. i remember bits and pieces of that night but not all of it. its funny how the mind works when trauma happens. my pleas for stop and no were ignored. i shut down. i prayed to god it would end quickly and that i had enough strength to get him off when my pleas were ignored for the 4th time. 4 times. i trusted him. he was a coworker. once it was over and he left, i remember feeling so dirty. i remember scrubbing my skin until it felt like it was going to bleed, i remember washing the sheets and my bed with bleach. i remember airing out my room and sobbing that i let it happen again. i didnt know what it really was until i texted my sister. she stood by me and held my hand while i told my mom what happened. she stood by me as i repeated my story to nurses, advocates, officers, etc. she stood by me as i got the kit done and made sure i had eaten after everything was said and done. i was left with nightmares and extreme anxiety. i couldnt stay silent anymore. i was exhausted. i saw him every single day for the next 2 weeks.
it has now been 4 months. this is the first time i have written out my story in my terms completely. i still have nightmares occasionally. i am no longer staying silent. this is my story.
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