alone

there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. i learned that only once i got older. i was always told people would come in and out of your life but you got to choose who gets to stay. what happens when you can no longer choose. what happens when everyone you love leaves. what happens when you want to scream so loud because the words feel like daggers in your throat that you just want to get out but you cant get it out. what happens then. no one ever prepared me for when people would leave. no matter what i do though no matter how many times i cover up the invisible wounds with a simple "oh its okay" "oh its life" do they keep coming open. and my god. i can beg you to stay but i cant force it anymore. i cant force the words out. i cant force the scream. i cant force it. i always thought i feared being alone but instead ive learned im scared of being lonely. im scared of losing everyone and everything i love and not being able to do anything about it. and honestly im terrified of losing myself.

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